false alarm. still invincible.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
