Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
This baby is an asshole
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
