ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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