Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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