apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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