He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
