She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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