Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
