my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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