On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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