My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
