I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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