it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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