I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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