Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
