Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
