My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
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