she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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