I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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