She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
