i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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