Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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