I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
