Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
