No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
