If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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