blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
