Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
