Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
