Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
she told me i tasted like america
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
