if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
