I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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