Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
