So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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