I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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