The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
