I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Randomize
