I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
