please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
