He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
