oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
