Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize