can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
