Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
