I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize