I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
