One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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