my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize