Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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