dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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