if you like me you must not know who I am
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
