This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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