I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
