he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
