Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
