i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
