She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
